Friday, December 19, 2014

141219 Daddy was Dying.

How does that usually work? Oh yeah!
You dance with him at your wedding, you hold his hand as your first born graduates from school, you call him for advice on which stock to hold on to, you dance with him at his 59th anniversary with your beautiful mother. Then he finally dies suddenly in his sleep. Right?  Isn’t that the way that it is supposed to be?
You’re not supposed to stand at his bedside when you are 12 and watch him go blurry. You’re not supposed to see him with tubes coming out of his orifices. Someone tells you that the tube coming out of his nose has the chocolate ice cream that he ate a little while ago.
Well, for me … I got chance #2.
I didn’t hold his hand as my first born graduated; he wasn’t there when I graduated. He wasn’t there when my sister graduated. He was dead. He was 6’ under the ground. He was with his parents in Mount Royal cemetery. He wasn’t dancing the brides dance for anyone.
I was 12. I was 12. That’s way too young to be a semi-orphan. Mom did ok. She held it together, she introduced us, my sister and I, to things we never would have experienced if he had lived.
It’s a tough choice. Would you prefer the life that you lived or one with a father… not!
The choice is sublimely simple. I would have chosen to have daddy teach me how to waltz. I would have chosen to have daddy give me away at my wedding. I would have chosen…
We have no choices in life. We have preferences. Preference? Jeepers! How can I influence the wind? I am not a butterfly in China. I am a woman here. My choices were robbed by cancer; my choices were then molded by a woman who was missing balance, her partner.
How do we manage after such a loss?
I don’t know, here I am almost 67, and I am still missing daddy, still missing the lessons, how do I relate to men?
Daddy, I know that you are there, how do I choose the right man to be with? I love being alone, and I prefer to be with another. I love my body, and I prefer to share it with another. Is it too late? Will I have to wait for my next incarnation? Phooey, I might be one of those aborted fetuses. I prefer, get that, prefer to know, experience, test, what is happening now. What the bleep is happening now, anyway?
I will always be the daughter of you, a man who died at 42 with 2 young daughters. That is our life agreement. What else is a part of this agreement? Am I always to be a free radical?
Creator, me energy, whole world hologram, please find a male who will anchor me in a positive energy, who will share a loving space with me.